Review of A Minecraft Movie, directed by Jared Hess

Welcome! If you’re new here and stumbled upon this blog post through the mythical and magical powers of the Internet, this is my digital archive of everything I’ve come across throughout the years. I used to work professionally as a film critic, but left my position to start this blog, as I’m more passionate about focusing on BIPOC/POC stories and international cinema.

I then had a job opportunity that was supposed to be huge fall through at the end of 2024, which left me unexpectedly unemployed. I crunched my finances hard to see what the situation was, and realized I was in a privileged enough situation where I could take some time off.

So I did and took my time job hunting. During this time I was really focusing on the blog, watching a ton of movies, reading books, and focusing on developing new skills that I could keep adding to the resume. It also helps that I make a few pennies here and there from the display ads on my site.

Ever since I lost my car (a college student totaled it last year, and because I’ve been working remotely, I haven’t purchased a new car yet), I haven’t really been going to the movies physically in-person. I used to have AMC A List and go to the movie once or twice a week, but now I tend to just use my streaming platforms and Kanopy through my library.

I didn’t plan on seeing Minecraft originally, although I was curious about what it was like from the buzz I was hearing about on the vast expanse of the Internet. Then one day my friend called me and asked if I was free that evening. I happened to be, so we geared up to go to Bengies in Middle River, Maryland.

This is a drive-in movie theater where you either sit in your car, or bring lawn chairs to sit right next to it. At the time of typing this it’s like $12 a person to go in a car, which is dirt cheap for going to a double feature like this. I’m used to AMC charging like $20 and up per person just for one movie.

We actually showed up to a double feature, and Minecraft was the first movie. The other was Sinners, which was a tonal whiplash, but also a seriously good film. This, one the other hand, spurs more complicated feelings.

Let’s get into the review!

In the real and Minecraft realities, several individuals get caught up in an evil plot and must save the Minecraft world.

This film begins with Steve, who, as a childhood, dreamed of going into a mine. He grows up, becomes an adult, and has a terrible job os selling doorknobs, but he’s going to achieve that dream no matter what. It’s in the mine he finds the Orb of Dominance and an Earth Crystal, and when he puts them together, it transports him to the Overworld of Minecraft.

The Overworld is everything he dreamed of, as he can literally build whatever he wants as he wants it, but when he finds another portal, it leads him to the Nether. There, the piglins live there, and the leader Malgosha, wants the Orb of Dominance. Steve has a revelation that the Orb would allow her to take over the Overworld and maybe the real world, so he insists his dog Dennis take it and hide it with the Earth Crystal under his bed in the real world.

An unknown amount of years or time passes, and we meet Garrett, or the garbage man. He was once a champion at a video game back in the eighties, but now he just runs a video game store in Idaho. The town’s known as Chuglass and is famous for its potato chips, but on this particular day, Garrett has a mission.

He buys the items from Steve’s old house in attempts of finding treasure, but instead acquires the Orb and Earth Crystal. He takes it back to the store, and we meet our next characters: Natalie and Henry. Their mother died recently, and Natalie is taking care of her high school-aged brother.

When they roll up to their new house, they meet, Dawn, their real estate agent. She’s a bit eccentric and has a petting zoo in her car, alpaca, and all, and Natalie sends Henry off to school the next day with a tater tot pizza to impress everyone. He befriends Garrett on the way there and Garrett takes the pizza and offers to be Henry’s life coach. Henry heads off to school, then gets himself almost expelled when he builds a jetpack that crushes the potato chip factory Natalie is now working at.

To avoid getting expelled on his first day, he calls up Garrett, offers to pay him money to pose as his uncle, and Garrett agrees. Good thing his principle just got a divorce and is a hot mess express, so she’s charmed by him and lets Henry off easy. They go to the video game store, Henry puts together the Orb and Earth Crystal, and the duo heads off to the mine, as the combined materials lead them there.

Dawn and Natalie start hunting them down, as Natalie freaks out over Henry being missing. In the mine, all four of them find the portal to the Overworld and enter it. They have no idea what to do there, but when night falls, Henry quickly learns how to build as the zombies and skeletons start attacking them. As all of this happens, a Villager wanders into the real world and falls in love with the principal after she hits him with her car.

Malgosha learns the Orb and Earth Crystal are back and frees Steve to get them for her. Big mistake, as he joins forces with his fellow humans, saves them from the zombies, and then shows them the village nearby to get materials. Garrett accidentally broke the Earth Crystal at night, and they have to go to the Woodland Mansion in order to find a new one.

At the village he shows them how to craft new objects, but Malgosha sends her army into town to get the Orb from them. Natalie and Dawn are separated from the boys, who flee towards the Woodland Mansion. Good thing they find Dennis in the woods, befriend the dog, and he starts sniffing out his owner’s trail. Malgosha decides to send her greatest warrior to them, who finds the boys in Steve’s diamond mine.

The trio arrives at the Woodland Mansion, and while Garrett and Steve distract the main guards, Henry sneaks into the back and steals the Earth Crystal. He also defeats an Ender in there, but on their way out, Malgosha’s guards overpower them, Garrett seems to sacrifice himself, and she gets a hold of the Orb.

Natalie, Dawn, and Dennis save Henry and Steve, but Malgosha is planning to take over the Overworld and block out the sun. They quickly create an army of golems to fight the piglins, Dawn befriends a ton of wolves and dogs, and while a grand fight ensues, Henry makes it to the Orb.

As Garrett arrives to save him, he uses his Ender pearl to get the Orb and stop Malgosha’s plan. With the sun restored in the Overworld, Malgosha’s army turns into zombies and dies. While they prepare to go home after that, Steve insists on staying here in the Overworld, but then decides to go with them.

Together, the group develops a video game. Natalie opens a self-defense studio, while Dawn creates a zoo with Dennis. Henry goes back to school and makes his jetpack, while Steve and Garrett work at the video game store and make it into a successful business.

Overall Thoughts

I describe this movie as peak brain rot. It’s genuinely one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a while, but you have to come into movies like this with no expectations. It is, after all, a movie about Minecraft.

So if you treat this movie like a camp movie and not seriously at all, you can have a great time with it. I imagine a wild audience would actually be more fun too, leading to scenarios where people are hollering at the screen and expecting to have a good time as they watch the chaos unfold.

But none of the characters have actual depth and the story itself is something we’ve seen before. And if I’m going to be honest: that’s okay. It’s a movie that isn’t meant to be deep, and I accept it for what it is. Sometimes we need to watch movies that make us laugh out loud in delirious moments.

So go see it if you want to and haven’t already! Just reading about a movie doesn’t suffice in the grand scheme of things.

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